Reminiscence

I've been all over my head these days. It's just getting really tiring. Sometimes, I reall wonder, why I even bother. everytime I do something, it'll for sure to be ruined for me someway or another. Sometimes, there's no one else to blame but myself. My source of escaping is slowly and surely taken away by people one at a time. Is it too much to ask for?? just a mental hide out for my own, yet I don't get the privelage to do so. 

Maybe what my mum said is true, I should stop thiking for others and think about myself. Qhat's the point in helping others, when at the end of the day I'm left all alone. This feeling really hurts badly. It hurts so much that everynight i need my very out tiny littlte kind of lullabye to take my mind off all this. I used to be able to associate part of my life as an escape, but things has changed. I may seem evil if I were to think that way, but it used to be my space and now it's gone. 

it's really time for me to let go of all the baggage, but everytime i on the verge of doing some, a pile of rock is thrown above me that pulls me down. Why can'y I just float and stay in that position without any weight over me. The picture of it all, just seem a distance away, which i know will never come. 

On the brighter side of things, everything when well with my mummy. Honestly, it scared the bajezers out of me. I would not have been able to handle it. So all I can say, is i'm really grateful that everything is well and order.

Sometimes, I don't say it out loud does not mean I don't care. You of all person should know what kid of person I am. For whatever it is, I'm just thankful that everything is well!!! 

STAY THIS WAY!

I should be doing my assignments right now, but i just needed a breather. I just can't seem to think or want to do anything. In fact, I feel so suffocated till I actually I like this feeling. My mind is just all clustered with thought. Just simple thought all over my head. 

There's so many decisions to be made. Do I do this or do I do that? What is right and what is wrong? What am I to do? All the decisions needs to be made. and I honestly I can't do it. Cause I know in every decision made someone will get hurt. It may be me or the other person. But either way, I don't want anyone to get hurt. but if I don't make a decision, i'm the one that will feel this suffocation.

To me, this suffocation ain't a bad thing. but in actually fact it is. It is on the edge of everything. It's just everything is starting to crumble upon me. The best part is, it's all my doing. If it weren't for me, all of this would not have happened.

I guess what sucks the most is that, everywhere i go, this feeling follows me like a shadow. I deal with one and a next one appears. Will this honestly ever going to stop? the answer I guess is all up to me.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. you name it and that's me. It's just that i don't even know whee I stand in all this right now. to continue pretending like nothing has happened or to just let it go. it hurts to know that the day will come where I've got to decide on what to do. Cause it has meant so much to me that it's a wastee to throw it all away, but it's too much for me to handle.

Time is the matter now. it's just when. sooner or later?  

It has been a year/ that you've been gone. I keep on replaying the words you said to me onde day in the dinning room, you said sorry that you can't make it for my wedding. At that moment, hearing you say that was really hard. You've been a person I admired for strength and determination, Your willingness to provide for your family. Your ever giving love to others. It has touched my heart as well as the heart of others. Like they say, maybe you're off in a better place, but what can be a better place other than with family and with the one you love.

Life really isn't fair, people who should go, get to stay and people who don't have to go. You were young, y oung enough have more time. You should have been given more time. You were indeed a great person.

Unfortunately, it's fate. If it's time, it's time. It's just that, to see you go through all the suffering, it just seems so unfair. that you've got to go through the pain.

you ar dearly missed by all. I really do hope what they say is true that you are indeed better of on the other side.

This date August  7th 2011, three years time, (or rather somewhere around this date). we shall embark on a journey to Disneyland :D.

You always say if you have something go to. How am I to approach you when the outcome is like this. You know this is the one thing I love the most and you wouldn't let me go, Even if you say you'll go with me, you answer me so reluctantly. How do you think I feel? It's so frustrating. Everyday I ask and you're not giving me an answer. And when you finally did, you gave me this kind of answer. You're putting the guilt in me. and just so you know. It worked! You happy now!!

There's so much going on right now, and they are the one thing that kept me on track k. Do you how hard is it for me to sleep lately, It's either I listen to them or I resort to my other hobby. Which you really don't want to know. And honestly, not like you gave a fuck. You saw it, it was right in front of you, yet you did not realised what I've been doing.Are you blind or naive? Honestly, I don't want to hurt you but you've been the one hurting me. Do ever think every action you take, every word you said, every person you side on, made an impact in my life. it hurts, it really does. Even now I'm barely at home, you still not appreciate my presence that much. Honestly, I try being civilized at home, it's just not working. Do you know how tiring it is. I feel like a freaking outsider in my own damn house. How's that for a start.

Honestly, I know you love, it's not that I don't know. but sometimes I do need a little attention. you know a little appreciation. Just so I really know you're there for me. Do I get that? No. I'm insecure enough. I don't need to add you on my list of insecurity. I want you to be that one person i can truly depend on. But I can't if every time I talk to you, you'll put me off. Do you know that most of the nights, i cry myself to sleep? Even so I have to do it silently. It's difficult.

When I talk, it's as though I'm talking to the walk. No one listens to me. But when everyone else talks, it's being responded. How do you think I feel? What's the point being a  good kid and what i do is not being appreciated.

I know this is not a big deal for most. Insecure is my middle name, you can't blame me for feeling this way. and after all, people has walked out of my life countless of time after I've been there for them. I know you won't walk out on me fully, but I can sense a little part of you has. and honestly, all I'm feeling is scared. but who do I go to? no one. I've got no one. I've got my fucked up laptop for me to write and just say my peace, that's all. it's not like I'll get a respond from my laptop. but what the heck, I can't ask for so much. at least I've got a space to voice out.

I've lost words for you. I've tried making excuses on behalf of you to make myself feel better. Will this ever stop? Honestly, I'm sick and tired of trying. I've tried countless of times. If this is what you want, I guess I've just got to accept it. It's something I just ought to live with I guess. There's just nothing more that can be that. If that's what you want, I just got to accept it and move on.

The thing is that, after what we've been through, I'm just disappointed. I guess I'm more disappointed in myself than in you for a reason that I can't understand. Is it really my fault or am I blaming myself for what you've done.

I'm exhausted, but I'm not ready to let it go yet. You meant way too much to me for me to just let you go like that. I guess you'll never know how I feel. Cause you just can't see through like you used to. or you don't bother even looking at me.

Here I am, thinking about all this when I'm pretty sure it's not bothering you at all.Not one bit. Maybe I'm a person who just value this too much, and it hurts when it turns out that way. Or maybe I'm just so sensitive that I take it in a different way, I don't know. Why don't you tell me.

What's even worst is that right now, I believe I've shooed you away by letting you know. Just when I thought I can count on you. You open the door and walk away. The fact that I stayed, and you leave me here. Alone.

Maybe this is a way for me to be stronger. Heck, I rather be weak than to loose you. That's just how much you mean to me.

I'm sorry If I've done anything wrong. I really am. Even if I've not done anything wrong. I'm sorry for what had happened between us. I really just want to turn the clock around. I really miss those days. I really miss you. It's killing me. Literally. I do not want to end on that road. Not now, hopefully I don't have to travel that road. Unfortunately, I'm nearing that road and I can tell you, though it's not fun at all, it's better than being in this position.

Another year has come and gone. Time flies by faster and faster by the year. It's like just yesterday that I came out of highshool, but it's not. I've got to accept the fact that that's not my life anymore. no highschool relaxing school holidays. Carefree attitude in school. That's all HISTORY! Now it's all down to business.

2010 has brought me sadness and joy. I'm pretty sure every year does the same, but somehow this year I felt the sadness pulling me pretty much down.

There were so many things going on in 2010. Some brought joy, some brought tears. I think more brought tears in 2010.

I shall go through the year and see how happening my life was in 2010 (definitely not that happening. It's suwei we're talking about). haha.

So, started the year with WORK. can you believe it, It wasn't school, wasn't enjoying life, but work!. yes, people like me needs cash to survive in the world out there. Work was pretty fun. Worked at Lee Ann for a month and I was missing too many family shiz, I couldn't take it, so I moved on to DKSH where I worked with Fify. Working with Fify was fun. we were wacko that way. camwhoring, sudoku, wordsearch. pretty much you name it, we've done it. Not forgetting our lunch breaks together. FUN. haha

Then came College life. I was freaking out on the first day of college. Not knowing Chinese was a scary thing. Seriously, I felt so lost. THANK GOD FOR MY CLASS!!! Like literally. I'm thankful for getting such awesome classmates that actually speak english. and besides, they're awesome people. When I say awesome, I mean A.W.E.S.O.M.E. HAHAH (minimal vocab). Hahah, and being the Ass. Course Reap that does not speak chinese, is pretty much okay.I was expecting worst. Thank you ALL!!

Unfortunately lifes not all Bright and colourful. There's darkness in it as well. The darkness pretty much went on for pretty long time. Some people say it's for the better. I can't see it as how it's better. It'll never be. It's a lost to us all. and It's something we've got to live with. It'll be hard. but we have to. at the meantime, I'm pretty glad I had both my BF's (one wasn't BF yet at that time) there virtually by my side to get me through it. The both of you really helped. So I thank the both of you from the bottom of my heart.

What else went on in 2010, well, there's just some unexplainable things that happened. Somethings that I don't understand why it happened. or what causes it to happen. Hopefully it's a phase that I'm going through and I'll survive it. Cause, honestly, I can tell you, it ain't fun going through this. It's shitty. But heck, that's life. We've got to suck it up and move on I guess.It's just that my brains has been thinking like not stop for the whole year. NON STOP creating stories and possibilities in my head that might not even be true.

On the brighter side of things, at the end of the year, YOU came into the picture. and I can tell you. with YOUR presence in my life, it made much difference. I may not show it on the outside, but deep deep down inside, YOU have helped me in so many levels. YOU are the reason why I don't do somethings. and YOU are also the reason why I do certain things. YOU'VE done so much for me in such small ways that YOU might not even notice. I don't know how I'll ever repay YOU.Pretty much 2010 is ending on the brighter scale with YOU in the picture.

To wrap things up, I guess 2010 has been a great year with bumps here and there. Some bigger bumps than the others. But that's life. There's up and downs. The world ain't flat. It's something we've all got to go through and hopefully come out of it stronger.

Goodbye 2010, the memories shall all remain.

Time do fly by fast. It felt like just yesterday that you were sitting there. Those words still linger in my ears, I can't seem to forget them.

We were considered close enough for me to feel this way. I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe I'll never see you again. I miss you, I do. I can't imagine how they can take it.

Today (or rather yesterday, it's past 12 am) was meant to be a happy day, but it's not now. I guess it's just a fact of life that we've got to accept it.

Your smile is still pretty fresh in my mind. Hopefully it stays that way.

After all you've been through, maybe it's best. But we will all still miss you. You'll be dearly missed, but never forgotten. Hope you're good wherever you are.

Hearing those words from you. Watching the way you are. How you torture yourself. The emotional roller coaster you have to go through, It did put an arrow through my heart.

I can't stand watching the people I care for hurt. Not you, not anyone else. It's difficult I know, It's something we have to go through. But you've gone through enough.

You deserve better, you deserve more than that.

I only wish for you to be okay. More than okay. That has been my 11:11 wish for the past few days. Looks like it ain't working.

It really breaks my heart to know that you're putting up a front for us. You don't have to. I'm here for you. You ought to know that by now. That night when you told me, I could see your shoulders are getting lighter.

I salute you for being able to go through all that. you're a great person. You'll get the best in the end. Even if it's not me. If the best is for you, that's what I really hope for.

If what it takes to make you better by me backing off. For you I will. One person suffers is enough. I can handle it.

I really do hope, you'll be okay.